About this blog…

I haven’t exactly been faithful in updating this blog. Especially recently. There is a reason for that though, I no longer work in retail! It’s been quite a relief, but that doesn’t mean that my 3 years spent there didn’t help me compile PLENTY of stories, and now that I no longer work there I can actually freely share all of them with you without a fear of loosing my job. So there will be plenty of entertaining tales to come all in due time my friends!

Get a Clue Dude…

I kinda had the night from hell the other night. There were a multitude of things that pissed me off, but let’s start with the first.

So I walk into the Women’s restroom to do the hourly survey, I’m skimming over the stalls since it’s about three hours before close. I had to turn around and double take. Standing there, door wide open is a man peeing. My jaw dropped, I’d never had to deal with something this bizarre before. So I quickly excited, called security, and blocked the door to let any women coming in know until security arrived. Before security arrived he walked out, “opps guess I was in the wrong one haha.” I really wanted to ask him, “what was your first clue? The lack of urinals? The feminine hygiene dispensers? The little girl in the dress on the door?” I mean seriously! I still had security check on him to see if he seemed intoxicated or potentially high, but they said he seemed fine, and had a kid and wife with him. Maybe it was a genuine mistake, but he was creepy acting still.

We’ll save the rest of the evenings events for another post.

Patience must be out of his price range

Tonight I was helping out once again back in electronics. I picked up a shift, and ended up getting tossed back there. It was a busy night, it took two people on deck at almost all times back there. The other guy had gone to break, and I was on my own. I was helping a girl make up her mind about a large purchase when some woman shouted at me from the end of the aisle, “excuse me I need some help!” I cringed, I HATE when people yell at me. I mean ok at least she said excuse me instead of “hey” which I get most of the time. Still it urks me. I walk the girl I’m with over to the counter to help her ring out her purchase. A teenage boy comes up and stands in line behind her. I recognize him as having been with the woman who shouted for me earlier. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a guy walk up behind me. I can tell he’s trying to get my attention. I ignore him. He finally gives up and walks around the counter to line up behind the boy.

It’s now the boys turn. “Hi my mom needs help over here with tvs.” I’d already requested backup, and had someone respond so I knew it’d only be a moment. I looked at the guy and said, “sir I’ve requested backup someone is on their way, and will be with you in just a moment.”

“So you’re not going to help me!?” He tossed his hands up in the air, his face twisted with disgust and rage.

“Um, sir. Someone will be here momentarily. He’s on his way now.” I say matter-a-factly.

“Well I’ve been waiting!”

Well duh so has everyone else… chill out loser. Ya I wanted to say that, but I didn’t. I did however hold up my hand as if to say ‘wait just one second.’ “Someone is on their way.” I said as I walked off ignoring him now.

“Forget it!” He stormed out of the store.

Clearly it’s my fault he didn’t know where the line was, and I was helping the person who was next in line first… Maybe someone needs to teach him the concept of how a line actually works.

The proof is in the paper

About a week ago I was walking past the electronics department to pick up some things from the back. I didn’t want to get involved, but I couldn’t help it. There was an older gentleman leaning on the counter, huffing with anger, his voice slowly rising in pitch. The electronics worker, our usual lady back there was pointing to the cell phones. “Sir as I’ve said before this is ALL we have. What is here is what is in stock, and what is listed is what we normally carry, but are out of. We don’t have that phone!”

Being nosey I casually peruse over to pretend I’m enthralled by a nearby display.

“Look, the other location said you carry it! They even said you have it in stock, and I’m not leaving till I get it!” He said getting louder.

“Sir I can’t give you what I don’t have!” The clerk was clearly annoyed, and at this point I could see things were about to get out of hand.

“I have papers! Right here, these documents state that you have it in stock, it says right here that you have it! The other location gave me these!” He waved some bogus forms in her face. Things I’ve never seen before, and know they couldn’t have come from one of our stores.

I step in to interrupt the clerk before things get physical. “Hello sir is there a problem?”

“Yes! She says these are the only cell phones you carry, but I know that isn’t true since I have documentation right here that says you carry it. The guy at the other location said you had some in stock!”

“May I see those please?” I take the forms from him and look them over more closely, they were definitely internet print outs, and no where on them did they state our particular location carried the product. I could also tell immediately they didn’t come from any of our stores. Most likely he got them off some website and was trying to get something out of it. I wasn’t going to start an argument though. Instead I preformed an item lookup for him to see if we did in fact have the item. “Sir, sometimes items become discontinued, but due to error will show up in our system.”

He looks at me not buying it. It’s true though it happens. I pull up the item… crap we do have it in back. It’s a street dated item though, which means it’s not yet released so we can’t sell it. The old guy isn’t going to get it, I can tell that immediately, he’s stubborn and not very bright. “Oh ya I’m sorry sir, looks like it’s a discontinued item. It’s something we don’t have right now.”

“It’s new.”

“Oh well then maybe it’s a mistype, regardless if we don’t have it on the floor then we don’t have it to sell. Sometimes with items like these corporate will update our system in advance with how many we will be receiving that week for their release. This way we know in advance, but once we get them they go out so we don’t have them yet. Try back later in the week maybe.” Ya I was lying through my teeth, but he bought it… I think. Either that or he just gave up because he walked off looking confused, and frustrated.

Another happy customer!

Hello, how may I direct your call?

I need to really start updating this more often, I run into a lot of morons still.

So I was back in the electronics department one day helping out when a gentleman approaches me.

“Hello, do you carry the earpiece attachment for the iPhone?”

“Like a blutooth?”

“No, it’s got a cord that plugs in, and a headpiece with a microphone that curves around.”

At this point I look the customer up and down. Ok someone’s gonna get offended at this next statement, and to that I say you seriously need to loosen up. The man was from India ok, and my first thought was ‘is it a comfort thing to wear an earpiece when talking on the phone?’ Ya I went there.

Anyways. Back on topic, I walk over to the iPhone accessories with him. I don’t spend much time back there so I don’t know tons about what products we do and don’t carry. The area is small though so I do a quick skim over it and am able to tell him that we don’t carry it, and to perhaps check with an Apple Store.

He doesn’t believe me. I show him our blutooth options and try to talk him into one. He says, “no I want the one with the cord.”

“Well I’m sorry sir unfortunately we don’t carry that one.”

Now this jerk gets that look. You know the one I’m talking about, kind of a smirk of disbelief, and a little chuckle of ignorance. He looks me up and down, suddenly I get the vibe that he’s now noting I am a woman working in the electronics department and clearly I should have known better than to leave the kitchen. Obviously we have the item, I just don’t understand it since it’s not a blender. Of course whenever I stereotype it comes back to bite me on the ass.

“I think you do carry it, in fact I know you do. It has to be here.”

I clench my teeth in frustration. I motion to the small section, “sir this right here is all we carry in regards to items that are compatible with current Apple products. We don’t carry any sort of head sets that are corded and meant to be compatible with the iPhone, or any cell phone for that matter.”

“Oh really? Well then what’s this!?” He says a look of douchebag triumph grows over his face as he snags his bounty off the hook holding it in my face.

I look at the item, stifling a laugh. “That sir is a pair of headphones for an iPod with an attached volume control.” I fight back with my biggest ‘I’m smarter than you’ grin.

His face drops a little as he turns to look the product over skeptically, “well, I don’t think you’re right. That is clearly a microphone attached to it.”

Wow the smug little bastard won’t give up, me neither.

“Sir that is an attached volume control. It’s particularly meant for people who need something a little more hands free. Like someone working out.” I say the next line with the most condescending tone I can muster, “see the plus sign is for up volume that makes it louder, then the minus is for down volume which makes it more quiet. You can also read what it is on the package.” I point to the words.

“Oh.” He puts the item back on its hook defeated.

Customer – 0

Me – 1

Take that!

10 BS Power Words

Here are 10 great BS Power Words to use in retail, and some examples. The below sentences are actual instances… and complete and utter bull.
1. Corporate

I’m sorry mam, but unfortunately corporate has only alloted us a certain number of hours for staffing. So even when we have backup available the lines are still long. If more people like you contact them though and let them know it’s a problem in time something like this can be resolved.
2. Override

Oh I’m sorry, but there’s no override I can do in the store. However our customer service associate would be glad to call our corporate refund hotline and see if they will issue you an override. They can override anything, but sometimes they just won’t.

(This takes all the rage away from me, and puts it all on the person in India receiving the call.)
3. Policy

Well sir that’s policy unfortunately. I know it can be a little tight, and something we don’t always like, but I don’t make the rules I just enforce them. If you’d like to debate he policy you’re welcome to call our customer service hotline let me just get you that number. The more people who tell them it’s a problem, the more likely they are to change it.
4. Lookup

Give me just a moment to perform a lookup! (In this time period the person could be on hold on the phone while you count to 30, in front of you while you smash some keys on a keyboard, or randomly tap the screen of a personal data assistant. Mind you this is only to be used when you already know you don’t have something popular, but a person still INSISTS you search.) No I’m sorry it doesn’t look like we’ve got anymore of those in stock.

5. Manager

I am a manager.
(Those 4 little words will usually cause people to storm away in a huff, or give up. Sometimes it just makes them more angry, but eventually they let go.)
6. Number

Let me get you the number!
(There are a million different phone numbers you can push off on people. Sometimes people just want to complain to complain, so pass them on to a higher authority, and throw in a little sympathy with the whole ‘I’m just a lowly worker with no voice,’ and they’re more often than not perfectly thrilled.)
7. Crashed

I’m sorry the _____ crashed, give us just a moment, or we can move you to another ______.
(Things happen. Registers crash, credit card readers crash, scanners stop working, it’s a fact of life technology hates me. Sometimes though it’s user error. More often than not it’s the idiot customer letting their kid yank around the pen and rip it out of it’s socket, or the customer knocking it off or pressing to hard. So usually when this happens I can’t just say ‘well if you hadn’t been screwing around this wouldn’t have happened.’ Sometimes though the equipment just sucks. Regardless I have to just blame it on the computers, and throwing crashed in there makes everything understandable. Suddenly they are technologically savvy, and know just what I’m talking about. Even when that’s not what it is.)
8. Closed/Out of Order

I’m sorry the restroom is closed.
(The word closed has the same power as the word no usually. Telling someone something is closed steers them away. Granted sometimes if it’s a register that doesn’t make them particularly happy. If it’s something like say the bathroom… ya that works, that works REALLY well. Even if it just means I have to do a little minor maintenance. It’s a lot easier to take care of it when no one is there milling around in my way. Same with electric scooters, it’s so much easier to put an out of order sign on them rather than babysit them hoping some fattie doesn’t try to take it before it’s completely charged so they can abandon it in a few minutes.)
9. Discontinued

Looks like that product was discontinued which means we won’t be getting anymore of them in unfortunately.
(Ok so that more often that not enrages people. Yes products actually do become discontinued, sometimes though clearance stuff or seasonal won’t show as a discontinued product. So people get confused. It’s much easier to explain it as a discontinued item rather than throwing out maybes, and I don’t knows. No one likes to hear uncertainty. You have to be solid in your answers. Telling a customer, ‘I’m not sure if that will be in or not,’ doesn’t cut it. You have to make up some bs like, ‘well since we’re out the product should be ordered. We don’t know exactly when it will come in, it all depends on when the manufacturer can provide it for us.’ Suddenly the uncertainty falls to the manufacturer, see how I did that.)
10. Manufacturer (Did you see that one coming?)

Unfortunately we don’t guarantee every product we sell; that would be up to the manufacturer.
(Once again pushing the blame off.)
Now here is a power sentence to end all power sentences.
“Unfortunately our policy won’t even allow a manager or corporate to override a discontinued item; so allow me to just lookup the manufacturer’s number for you.”
Ok that one wasn’t a real instance, but it’d probably work cause it’s awesome.

10 Thoughts

Here are 10 Thoughts that commonly run through my head during an 8 hour shift. Some of them are more like conversations or rants with myself. Ya I’m a little crazy, but you gotta be to work in retail.

1. Be an adult and flush your own toilet! I don’t care what you put in it, just flush it! Stop throwing pieces of toilet paper on the floor because the size doesn’t suit you, put it in the toilet! And for the love of God stop STEALING the damn toilet paper! It’s 1-ply sandpaper you trash!

2.  *bang bang* *ca-ching* and I take your money (M.I.A. lyrics for those of you who don’t know)

3. Go ahead ask me one more time to how to change your receipt tape, request change, or when your break is. See if I’m not giving you the bitch treatment the rest of the night… oh I enjoy it more than you know.

4. Go away. You stink, you look ignorant, you act ignorant… you ARE ignorant. You are not welcome here, so get your shit and get out.

5. Why do the creepy bastards always talk to me? Go AWAY can you not see that my glare could freeze the Arctic twice! I DON’T LIKE YOU!

6. I need tequila.

7. Ug management, look busy. *paces quickly a few times then shuffles things on shelves all while smiling like a woodland creature*

8. Great someone shit on the floor again. I’ll just pretend I didn’t see it, and close the stall door. When someone complains I’ll just put an out of order sign up. Hopefully no one will notice.

9. Why can’t you do your job? You’re an adult! Stop wandering off, I am not your babysitter!

10. I’m smiling at you on the outside, but inside I’m screaming profanities at you and imagining myself going postal.

There you have it. The 10 insane thoughts that roam through my mind on a pretty much daily basis.

Next post: 10 BS Words